A big fat pile of....

....now what?

(Probably not where you thought I was going with that title.)

Life right now is a big fat pile of "now what?" Which by the way, sucks. I hate it. I am really really tired of it actually. I feel like a failure. And then I turn around and think, wait a minute, that can't be right. I worked too hard to be a failure! How did this happen?!

Now, some of you may think I sound just a little bit dramatic and even whiny. But let me just catch you up to speed on the suckage that is my career. Well, actually my lack of career would be more accurate. I graduated (with honors, I might add) with a Bachelor's in Education in December of 2008. That would be over two years ago. I spent a semester in denial that my plans were perfect and I didn't need to worry. Then I spent a year applying everywhere within an hour's drive. And trying desperately to get on sub lists and then trying even more desperately to actually get a sub job. Then we decided that wasn't working and we'd try a different market. And, naive me, I thought it was getting better. Got right on the sub lists, and started raking in the jobs. Comparatively at least.

But that brief period of hope is over now. Squashed and not coming back. RRISD started a hiring freeze, and they are really sticking to it. AISD is closing several schools. I think the total number is somewhere around 9, and I'm fairly sure at least 4 of those are elementary schools. HISD just opened a new elementary school for this school year, and will be closing it after this school year because they are over budget. So even though subbing is going better, I am no closer to the ultimate goal of my own classroom and a full-time contract position.

So I am once again back at the question of now what? And I'm beginning to really hate this question. Because I never really seem to get an answer for it. How long do I wait to find out if I have any remote chance of a job for the coming school year before I quit trying? Do I finally give up and find another career? And if so, what in the heck would that be? Do I try to find something that is relatively close to what I actually want, like tutoring or daycare/preschool? Or would that be beneath my degree? Or would that even be good enough? This whole paragraph has been on repeat (with a dash of speed) inside my head all week. And it is driving me crazy. Absolutely totally crazy. And I still have no answers to any of the questions.

Which is a horrible way to end a blog post. But I have nothing better, because I have nothing else to say.