Crazy dreams

In the last post I touched on just how much music is a part of who I am. At this particular time there is one particular lyric from Carrie Underwood's "Crazy Dreams" that I just can't shake........."Thank God even crazy dreams come true." And all I can keep thinking is, my dream isn't that crazy. But even if it is, can I really get to a place that it will come true?

I have known for as long as I can remember that I wanted to be a teacher. Actually I do remember a brief time when I wanted to be a vet, but that was short-lived once my mom explained all the not so fun stuff vets have to deal with. But teacher was always on my list, and pretty much always at the top. I rarely played house as a kid, I preferred to play school. I never hesitated when people asked me what I wanted to do with my life, the answer was always teach. When it came time to visit colleges and pick a degree, there was no question. I was looking for a school whose College of Education had a good reputation and I was getting an Education degree. Granted, I did stray and get a completely unrelated Associates, but that was a brief diversion that I always intended to support my teaching career. And I got right back to finishing that degree. I have never wanted anything else, and I have never considered any other career. I just always knew. It's really not too crazy to have a goal for a career and want to achieve that right?

Well, I'm starting to feel like maybe I was crazy for thinking that way. And I partially blame all the professors and speakers I heard all through my education program that told us over and over and over that there was a teacher shortage, we'd have our pick of jobs, there would be plenty of jobs for all of us, it would be no problem. Yeah, they lied. In just one district that I've dealt with, there are at least 200 certified teachers just on the sub list trying to get into a full-time position, and an average of 500 applications attached to each job opening listed on the website. Not exactly great odds. It's a fight just to get a sub job, much less a full time opening. It's been absolutely ridiculous. I applied and went to orientation to sub for another district back in November and haven't even seen a job come up since then. The worst slap in the face though was at the beginning of this school year. I went onto the website for the elementary I student taught at to double check the emails for the teachers that are my references, and noticed there was a new third grade teacher on the team where I was teaching. Turns out, when I clicked over to her website, that it was a classmate that had also student taught at that school, but in a different grade. My heart totally sank because I knew if I had applied there and we had stayed I would have had a pretty good chance at that job.

We had a plan. Move to DFW, let hubby go to school, I get a teaching job and support us while he does that, done deal. We were organized. We researched. We had a list of options, and they were in three groups based on pay and distance. And we applied like crazy. Did the job fair thing. Had a couple interviews even. Then nothing. All school year. So I started subbing. And we expanded our radius. And moved in with my parents. And applied all over again and went to more job fairs, and even had a couple more interviews. But still nothing. I even applied to get a Masters, which took two months to hear about, and then we find out they're only offering to pay part of the tuition, so I can't do that. So now......we're changing the plan. And I'm not sure how I feel about that. Because what was the point of my original plan if we have to change it? And what if we still get nowhere with a new plan? Not cool. So, the new plan is......applying in the Austin area. And Killeen. For now. And maybe more. That's still kind of "iffy." And every time I think about or look at the huge list of districts that I've applied to, I just feel like that's just 75 more let-downs.

So that's my life right now. An overwhelming pile of applications and background checks and resumes and cover letters getting me absolutely nowhere. And all of this while on a somewhat unknown time limit, because at some point we can't stay here anymore. I need a door to open and soon. Or even a window. Actually at this point, I'd take a crack in the wall, and I will find a way to squeeze through it! Ugh! I want a dang classroom!!! It's making me a whole different kind of crazy than the song is talking about!

Saying Goodbye.

It's been two weeks in a row now that I've had to say goodbye to someone in my life. It was really bothering me on my drive home from work last night. I was having some trouble wrapping my head around exactly how I was feeling about everything. Just as I was trying to sort all this out in my head, I switched on KLTY and Carrie Underwood's "So Small" started playing. It was like she was putting my crazy mixed-up thoughts into words for me. Now, I love belting out some Carrie Underwood on a regular basis, but never have the lyrics touched my heart quite like they did last night. I found myself choking up as I sang along, especially the second verse.

"It's so easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big at the time
It's like a river that's so wide
It swallows you whole

While you're sitting around thinking 'bout what you can't change
And worrying about all the wrong things
Time's flying by, moving so fast
You better make it count 'cause you can't get it back

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands

Oh, and when you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small"

I'm still not sure I have everything sorted out in my head at the moment. But I did feel a lot better just singing along with words that described what I was thinking. It definitely relieved some of my tension to express myself that way. It was almost like a little comfort/prayer time just me and God in my car on the drive home. Anyway, I don't really want to go all into my deep personal thoughts and feelings here on my blog (you can ask me personally if any of this is new to you). But I felt it was important to give some small mention of what's been going on in my life. And I also felt it was important to include how much music can speak to the soul, and even sometimes do a little healing. Makes me really appreciate what a big role music plays in my little corner of the world. Also makes me appreciate how lucky I am to still be here. The fact that it could have been me is never too far from the front of my mind, but times like these definitely bring it right up to the forefront. I don't like to dwell on it too much, I'd rather focus on making the most of my life, but it does bring back some vivid memories. Anyway, I'm starting to ramble, so I'm going to end this.

Rest in peace. You will be greatly missed. I know you'll be waiting there to celebrate with me when I make it up to heaven. And I will be so glad to see you when I get there.

In Loving Memory
Mardelle Virginia Carter Arnold, 1/5/1923-4/28/2010
Ethan James Adams, 9/20/89-5/7/2010

A Catch-all Catch-up

So.....it's been awhile since I blogged. Life kinda picked me up, whirled me around, got me all confused, and then threw me back down to fend for myself. I wanted to write a quick blog before we hit the road for a whirlwind trip out of town, but couldn't really settle on a specific topic. So I decided to do a sort of life update, summary style. Some of what's happened in the last month I'll fill you in on, and some of that whirling and throwing life did I'll leave out for now.

Went to EMS ISD's job fair. Did a screener interview, and then was told by just about every principal that things were still up in the air due to the elementary campus being added for the next school year (rezoning and transferring).

Turned 24. Feels absolutely no different. Except maybe a little more pressure to get things together.

Been having a lot of fun and getting some really awesome results at church. I'm really enjoying serving and helping get this off the ground.

Been working my butt off at Payless. Which is really impressing my boss. Still haven't decided if that's good or bad. Sure, it's good to be in good with the boss, and a raise would be helpful. But this is not exactly in line with my career goals.

Went to another job fair today. It was absolute chaos, and felt like cattle herding. Really not very encouraging. Most districts were hardly even talking to people, and the ones that were, were taking way too much time per person. This whole job hunting thing is really driving me nuts. I seriously need a magic wand.

Well, that is the last month in a really small nutshell. We are hitting the road for Georgetown any minute. Then from there, tomorrow morning we are heading to Cuero for a funeral service for my great-aunt. She was my grandfather's older sister. This news wasn't necessarily a surprise, but it's still a rough time. Anyway, we'll be in Cuero for probably most of the day, then head back home late tomorrow night. Not exactly ideal, but it needs to be done. So, I'm signing off for now so I can be ready to leave. I really will try to find something interesting to blog about soon. Maybe I can finish and develop my most recent roll of film and post some about my very small dabbling in photography.